SEPTEMBER 2008 · SO DAMN LUCKY
A few weeks ago, I had knee surgery. I was looking forward to living life with a pain-free knee so I decided I was going to have a good attitude about the surgery. Leading up to the surgery, upon hearing the news of my upcoming fate, I would hear reactions like, "OMG I am so sorry, that is terrible, you poor thing." Keeping with my pact to stay positive, I would reply, "No, it's a good thing, I am really looking forward to finding a solution and healing." Positive energy with a smile is the way to go. I am so ready for this surgery thing.
As 08.06.08 approached, I began to get irritable, restless and sore. I couldn't understand why I wasn't sleeping, why I was having bizarre dreams and why I never wanted to answer my phone and talk with anyone. I attended a concert a few nights before and found myself pissed off that there was no seating. What? Have I turned into a cranky old lady in my early 30’s? What has gotten into me? Certainly I wasn’t nervous about the surgery. I had a positive attitude, I was fine and I was strong. I must be getting sick or something…
On Wednesday morning, my mom took me to the surgery center. "Are you nervous?" she asked. "I don't think so." I responded. The nurse took my blood pressure and calmly announced that I was 150 over something. My mother looked horrified. "ANGELA, that is incredibly high." So there you have it, I was freakin' nervous as hell. So much for knowing and understanding my body. And I call myself a yoga teacher!
After the surgery, my attitude shifted. When the heavy drugs attacked my stomach and I had to go without painkillers, I felt annoyed. When my knee started to make funky squishing sounds (yes, this is true), I was totally grossed out and felt queasy. When I had to use crutches and ask for help to do almost everything, I felt angry. My positive energy and positive attitude were long gone. Screw positive thinking, I thought. Surgery sucks and I am going to feel sorry for myself.
Then, 08.16.08 came. At this point, I was feeling pretty good. I had tickets to the Dave Matthews Band concert. I have been one of those freaky diehard fans since 1994. I still have a college roommate who cannot listen to his music because I overplayed it our freshman year. I have seen him live eight times and his concerts are always one of my favorite days of the year. I was off crutches, still feeling sorry for myself but excited to have a break from the negativity and pain.
As my friend and I took our seats, I said, “You know, it’s annoying. I am in the DMB Warehouse Club and I still can’t get good seats. How do people get to sit up in that front/center section?” Not 10 minutes later, a nice looking guy in a yellow event staff shirt approached us and asked, “You have Warehouse seats, right?” I said, “Yes, we do.” He softly replied, “Don’t freak out. The Warehouse is upgrading you to front row seats.” Are you kidding?? I felt So Damn Lucky. For one night, I was able to let everything go and did not feel a twinge of pain in my knee. I kept thinking, this is my ultimate moment to be present. I heard every word, every note and felt every beat of each song. I watched the facial expressions and the subtle visual exchanges between Dave and his band. I was more alive than I have felt in a long time.
Then came Sunday. Ouch. Between my beer and Taco Cabana hang over and my knee screaming at me, I was in serious pain. I was back on crutches, off of work and back to the doctor’s office. Dr. M. was actually laughing at me. “What was worse?” he asked, “The hangover or the pain in your knee? You set yourself back a good week or two. I hope it was a great concert.” Ugh.
So I thought long and hard about what I had done and decided that some things are just worth the risk. I took a photo of the concert and made it my cell phone screen saver (and yes, I have replaced Phoebe for those of you wondering). Every time I go back to my victim mentality, I remember that night. Every time I see the photo, it takes me back and I smile.
It’s amazing how when we are about to give up, when we go to a deep, dark place, The Universe provides us with something incredible to remind us how great life truly is. I know it seems silly, it’s just a concert and it’s just one night. But to me, it was special. It made my spirit soar. Next time you find yourself in a negative space, keep your perspective and remember that life is good and you will soon be So Damn Lucky. And when something good does come your way, don’t take it for granted because you never know how long it will last. And even if it is only for a few seconds, an hour or a day, let it be enough to lift you up and send you back to a good place.
ANGELA'S COLUMN ARCHIVES