{So Damn Lucky} {You are Not Alone} {If We Can We Must} {Be Happy} {Face Fear} {Be The Change} {It's Not Fair} {Rushing to Nowhere} {The Fight for Phoebe} {An Unexpected Thank You} {Making Things Good} {Live to Dream} {Honeymoon is Over} {Fumbling Towards Ecstasy} {Great Expectations} {New Beginnings} {Letting Go} {Awareness} {Learning to Heal}
SEPTEMBER 2008 · SO DAMN LUCKY
A few weeks ago, I had knee surgery. I was looking forward to living life with a pain-free knee so I decided I was going to have a good attitude about the surgery. Leading up to the surgery, upon hearing the news of my upcoming fate, I would hear reactions like, "OMG I am so sorry, that is terrible, you poor thing." Keeping with my pact to stay positive, I would reply, "No, it's a good thing, I am really looking forward to finding a solution and healing." Positive energy with a smile is the way to go. I am so ready for this surgery thing.
As 08.06.08 approached, I began to get irritable, restless and sore. I couldn't understand why I wasn't sleeping, why I was having bizarre dreams and why I never wanted to answer my phone and talk with anyone. I attended a concert a few nights before and found myself pissed off that there was no seating. What? Have I turned into a cranky old lady in my early 30’s? What has gotten into me? Certainly I wasn’t nervous about the surgery. I had a positive attitude, I was fine and I was strong. I must be getting sick or something…
On Wednesday morning, my mom took me to the surgery center. "Are you nervous?" she asked. "I don't think so." I responded. The nurse took my blood pressure and calmly announced that I was 150 over something. My mother looked horrified. "ANGELA, that is incredibly high." So there you have it, I was freakin' nervous as hell. So much for knowing and understanding my body. And I call myself a yoga teacher!
After the surgery, my attitude shifted. When the heavy drugs attacked my stomach and I had to go without painkillers, I felt annoyed. When my knee started to make funky squishing sounds (yes, this is true), I was totally grossed out and felt queasy. When I had to use crutches and ask for help to do almost everything, I felt angry. My positive energy and positive attitude were long gone. Screw positive thinking, I thought. Surgery sucks and I am going to feel sorry for myself.
Then, 08.16.08 came. At this point, I was feeling pretty good. I had tickets to the Dave Matthews Band concert. I have been one of those freaky diehard fans since 1994. I still have a college roommate who cannot listen to his music because I overplayed it our freshman year. I have seen him live eight times and his concerts are always one of my favorite days of the year. I was off crutches, still feeling sorry for myself but excited to have a break from the negativity and pain.
As my friend and I took our seats, I said, “You know, it’s annoying. I am in the DMB Warehouse Club and I still can’t get good seats. How do people get to sit up in that front/center section?” Not 10 minutes later, a nice looking guy in a yellow event staff shirt approached us and asked, “You have Warehouse seats, right?” I said, “Yes, we do.” He softly replied, “Don’t freak out. The Warehouse is upgrading you to front row seats.” Are you kidding?? I felt So Damn Lucky. For one night, I was able to let everything go and did not feel a twinge of pain in my knee. I kept thinking, this is my ultimate moment to be present. I heard every word, every note and felt every beat of each song. I watched the facial expressions and the subtle visual exchanges between Dave and his band. I was more alive than I have felt in a long time.
Then came Sunday. Ouch. Between my beer and Taco Cabana hang over and my knee screaming at me, I was in serious pain. I was back on crutches, off of work and back to the doctor’s office. Dr. M. was actually laughing at me. “What was worse?” he asked, “The hangover or the pain in your knee? You set yourself back a good week or two. I hope it was a great concert.” Ugh.
So I thought long and hard about what I had done and decided that some things are just worth the risk. I took a photo of the concert and made it my cell phone screen saver (and yes, I have replaced Phoebe for those of you wondering). Every time I go back to my victim mentality, I remember that night. Every time I see the photo, it takes me back and I smile.
It’s amazing how when we are about to give up, when we go to a deep, dark place, The Universe provides us with something incredible to remind us how great life truly is. I know it seems silly, it’s just a concert and it’s just one night. But to me, it was special. It made my spirit soar. Next time you find yourself in a negative space, keep your perspective and remember that life is good and you will soon be So Damn Lucky. And when something good does come your way, don’t take it for granted because you never know how long it will last. And even if it is only for a few seconds, an hour or a day, let it be enough to lift you up and send you back to a good place.
SUMMER 2008 · YOU ARE NOT ALONE by guest columnist/YS Instructor Samantha Mabry
The words above could either refer to the title of a cheesy mid-90s pop song or to my experience in a Lakota Sioux sweat lodge during my recent teacher training in Montana. For this, my first ever YS column, I feel as if speaking to the latter would be more appropriate.
Fifteen yogis stood shivering outside of a modest hut constructed of tree branches and blankets on a quiet, cold afternoon after a winter storm. Lillian and Hilary, the two Native American women who were going to lead the ceremony, told us that a summer snowstorm meant that the spirits were more receptive and that the prayers were more likely to be answered. I am not typically a religious person, but I found their words comforting, and I hoped, that if not mine, then someone’s prayers would be answered that day. Right before ducking though the opening to the lodge, Hilary winked at me and said, “Remember, if you get too hot, it just means you’re not praying hard enough.”
Sitting cross-legged on the ground inside the lodge it was so dark that the only thing visible was the red of the smoldering rocks. As Lillian sprinkled water over the rocks, the air became denser, and the heat became overpowering. I turned my focus to two things: the breath laboring to flow in and out of my mouth and the chanting that was completely unfamiliar yet immensely powerful. Emotions started to come up. A man next to me was sobbing. My own throat felt like it was closing up, and I was having trouble breathing in the burning air. We interlaced our hands to offer each other silent support. A couple of women across the glowing stones from me were started to cry and held one another. We all, however, made the choice to stay in the lodge, to breath deeply, to chant, and to find comfort in each other’s breath, strength and spirit. Lillian asked us to put our hands out, palms facing the center of the circle, to send and receive each other’s energy. Soon, something shifted. Our prayers got louder and clearer, and the initial sounds of fear and strife shifted into chants of joy and power.
Once, towards the end of the ceremony, we were asked to go outside. Some people waded a few steps into the nearby lake for a sip of water, while others stood near the lodge and watched the steam rise off bodies. One of the Baptiste assistants, Duncan, came up, put his arm around me and said, “I’m so glad I’m sharing this experience with you.” Up until that point in the week, Duncan and I had not really exchanged many words with one another (he had his job to do; I was focused on myself and what I was supposed to be learning), but in that instant I felt a massive amount of gratitude towards not just him, but all fifteen of us in the sweat lodge, all those involved that week with the teacher training, all the people of Montana, and all the people in life, past, present, and future. I was (and still am) in complete awe of the connections that we can form when we just sit, hold space for one another, and allow the universe to take its course.
In the sweat lodge there was a palpable energy of love, support, and the freedom to let go. Perhaps this power came from the fifteen people in the lodge, or perhaps it came from spirits. In actuality, it doesn’t really matter. I do think, however, that we should realize that we do not have to participate in a ceremony in a sweat lodge on a freezing cold day in Montana to experience this kind of potent energy. We can find it in the yoga room, when we realize that our power extends far beyond the surface area of our mats. Once we find it in the yoga room, it is then our duty to take our practice and light into the world and share it with everyone, from loved ones to strangers, because they all need our energy, they all need our breath, and they all need our support. We are not alone, and we do not need to be afraid when life gets tangled or situations become tense. Instead, we can remember to breathe in the strength of others and trust that the universe will support us; we can remember that when we shine our light into the world, that light will reflect even brighter on us.
SPRING 2008 · IF WE CAN WE MUST
I was at a bar with a friend that knew nothing about yoga or YogaSport. He was asking me about my business and about the yoga I teach. In my best description, I told him about our practice. His response was interesting: "So it's like therapy. I always thought it was just another form of exercise. This is fascinating." I laughed and said, "Well, yeah, I guess it is like therapy for me. I am able to process what I am dealing with in my life, my mood, my reactions, my habits, etc., and from that knowledge I can figure out how to find some balance within myself."
Over the past several months, I have suffered knee pain in my right knee. I figured that if I pretended it didn't exist, it would go away. Funny enough, it persisted, and I was left with an angry knee and unable to both train for my adventure race and practice on my mat. After many doctor and physical therapy visits, I have finally been able to get back on my mat for a modified practice. My entire energy and attitude shifted after I practiced for the first time. Alone in the room, I put in an audio CD of Baron teaching a class. No big deal; I have done the class many times before, but it was so important to me.
When something important to us is taken away, all we can think is 'why can't I have it back?' Every time there are stairs, I walk them. People always ask, "Why don’t you take the elevator?” I reply, "Because if I ever can't walk the stairs, I will regret not having taken the stairs when I could. I am strong and capable to walk so I will." My mother taught me this lesson at a young age and I have tried to live it as much as possible.
I often say to my classes (most often during a particularly challenging series), if you were sick today or you couldn't physically practice this pose, all you would want to do is this pose. We complain that we don't want to take the dog for a walk, get the mail, go to yoga, go to work, visit family, etc. But imagine what life would be like if you didn't have the ability to do any of these tasks. You would certainly regret that you didn’t do them when you could have.
When I couldn’t practice, my body and mind felt disconnected. Even though I could still stay active at the gym and on my bike, I could not get on my knee and bend and twist. I could not do my asana practice, and I was unable to connect with what was going on in my body and my mind. This practice provides so much more than a physical workout. It helps provide us with tools to live more meaningful lives. It helps us become better people. There is nothing like sharing a room with others who are also willing to be vulnerable, come undone and powerfully build themselves back up to be stronger and more powerful people.
Every April, we notice less mats in the studio. After spring break and as the weather gets nice outside, Gloria's patio gets more action than our studio. I understand it. I love a good patio, a cold beer and a nice day. I live for these pleasures. But, first, I have to take care of myself and as much as I try to think that a margarita and fajitas are feeding my soul, they are not. And when I don't take care of myself, I feel it everywhere. And when I can't, it keeps me up at night and all I can think about is my inability to practice.
This month I urge you to find your mat again. If you have lost it, recommit. Last month we had several former members return after a year hiatus. They have all dedicated themselves to practicing 4-5 times a week. They have made incredible progress in their practices and there is truly a new light within them.
Maybe you haven't lost your mat but rather a connection with someone you love, a commitment to yourself or your work or really anything. Whatever it is, find it again. Spring is a time for new beginnings and fresh perspectives. We only live once and what we do every day matters. If you haven't lost your commitment, step it up a notch or two, or three. Find your power and commit to finding the best version of yourself each and every day.
Join us for Bootcamp April 26th. It will re-ignite an infectious energy in you. Sign up for the 8 week challenge. Walk your dog. Visit your family. Walk the stairs. Be inspiring in everything you do. Because if we CAN we MUST...
My roommate and his girlfriend ate Chinese takeout for dinner and kindly left me a fortune cookie. I smiled as I opened my tasty treat and read, "Don't pursue happiness, create it."
Last month I went on a cruise called The Rockboat, a floating live music festival. I am a live music junkie and love the sun and water so this combination was a slice of heaven. My friend Ashley and I were dancing on the Lido Deck by the pool, getting sun, drinking the fancy beer on special (Miller Lite in a can) and singing along to Sister Hazel’s song, "Happy." I kept screaming the words to a song I had never heard before, "If you aren't happy, change your mind.”
As the week progressed, I continued my journey discovering the music of a fantastic Yankee band, Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers. As we learned their music, we found ourselves repeating the line, "Did you ever think that maybe you aren't happy because of you?" from their song “4th of July.”
Typically, I am not one to think that the Universe or God sends me profound messages. Whether it was some greater being deciding I needed to hear these messages or it was something I was seeking within myself, it really doesn't matter. What I do know is that I kept hearing it. From Sister Hazel to Mr. Kellogg to the surprise treat on my counter, it kept speaking to me.
I often hear people say, “If I just lost 20 pounds, I would be happy.” “If I could just make more money, I would be happy.” “If I could just find the right person to be with, I would be happy.” Or, the seemingly optimistic yet just as detrimental “When I's." “When I lose this weight, when I make 100K, when I find my person, I WILL be happy.” On the surface, it seems logical. However, life doesn’t work that way. If we haven’t found happiness without these external forces, we become dependent and sometimes even addicted to them because we need them to feel good.
I have struggled with many of these issues myself. People are often very surprised that I teach yoga because I physically do not look like the stereotypical yoga instructor. I used to be 10-15 pounds lighter but I finally accepted that my body is not supposed to be that thin. When I was that thin, I was tired, weak and not very much fun to be around. I definitely was not happy. I enjoyed the comments from everyone about how great I looked but I didn’t feel good inside. I have been in relationships that make me miserable and stayed because I thought I needed someone in my life. Being a 30 year old single gal in Texas, I am often asked "Why are you single?” I smile and say, because I love my life and haven’t found the right person. And after many years of doing a lot of personal work, I truly love the person I have become and am happy with or without someone.
So next time you look in the mirror and think that a nose job, BMW or promotion will make you happy, think again. We can search everywhere but if we don’t love who we are and what we stand for, our security and happiness will wane. Sure, a beautiful body, car and partner are fantastic things (and I am not implying you should live without them!) but they can not create happiness at our core. So listen to the fortune cookie and create your own happiness in your life. Listen to Sister Hazel and if you aren't happy, CHANGE YOUR MIND. In yoga, we constantly work on controlling our thoughts. How great it is to be able to wake up and decide to be happy today.
In November I went to a teaching training in Boston at the Baptiste studios. It was a four-day training about anatomy, postural alignment and the art of assisting students in a class. The training was incredible. I have a notebook full of anatomy, alignment, hands on assists, rules, etc. But, the one thing that resonated with me the most was hearing the words, "Do something that scares you. You will connect with your students on a new level if you do something that truly scares you." As yoga instructors, the practice is so familiar and comfortable that we forget what it feels like to be a new, scared, untrained and insecure student. I remember eight years ago when I stepped into my first yoga class. I felt nervous, unsure, and humiliated that I could not do the postures. That feeling is something I can recall in my head, but I no longer FEEL the fear in my muscles or bones.
Upon my return from training, I started a mental fear list. The list has things that I have wanted to do for a while but have created excuse after excuse so that I didn't have to do them. "I am too busy." " I don't have enough money." "I don't have time." And then the more anger based question/statements: "Why am I making myself think about doing things I don't want to do?" "Why would I force myself to do something I don't want to, screw that?!" WAHHH
Of course all of the excuses stem from one thing: FEAR. I think about the times in my life when I gave into fear and I imagine what I must have missed. I look at YogaSport and am so thankful I didn't give into my fear or none of us would be reading this column! This year I hold myself accountable to making a fear list and completing it. My first two are physical challenges that I have been avoiding for over a year now. I had big plans in 07 to run a 5K and an adventure race. I had them all planned out. I won't bore you with my excuse list, but clearly I did not run either race. I don't enjoy running. I am not good at it, but it feels good when I am conditioned and I want to push my body to do something different. In order to become a better teacher in yoga, I need to go towards this fear, step into the metaphorical yoga studio and take a class. In my world, I have to train for and run these races. My friend and roommate are helping me create a training schedule and even agreed to hold my hand along the way. Friends are amazing to have around when you want to face fear.
This month, in the month of new beginnings and infinite possibilities, I urge you to articulate your fears. Write them down. Make a list of things you really want to do in life but scare the living hell out of you. Maybe it's quitting your job, being in an intimate relationship, taking a trip or riding a roller coaster. Make a list of everything that comes to mind and find people to support you. Make a plan. My roommate and I have a plan to get more sleep, be on a consistent schedule and train for our races. We created an accountability calendar that is prominently displayed in our kitchen. Next to it we hung a cork board of inspirational sayings, photos and fun to help keep us motivated. Each day we have to write down how much we slept (and for me what time I went to sleep, ahem!) and what we did or did not accomplish with our training. Each day we have someone there to say, "Hey, step up tomorrow Slacker." or "Nice work Rockstar." It really does help to have your friends and family support you in facing your fears, and it makes it infinitely more fun.
It's 2008. Do something that scares the hell out of you. And then do something else that scares the hell out of you. Here's to an incredible year of power, strength and a ton of fun!
Last month we had our first ever Flow for a Cure event. I have been thinking about this event for a couple of years. It seemed impossible and overwhelming. I had so many ideas and so little time, but when I held an instructor meeting a month before our event my beautiful teachers said, "We have to do this now."
The whole process of this Flow for a Cure taught me so much, but most importantly it reminded me to continue to move toward the challenges and the seemingly impossible feats. As I planned the event, I was turned down by several businesses and studios that, for whatever reason, said they couldn't help. I sat in bitter disgust for days, playing my "It's not fair" story and wanting to quit the entire event. We were going through our 40 Days Program at the time and I meditated on this for several days. I wondered why my old ways of being reactive, frustrated and annoyed were taking over. I finally realized that I was sitting inside myself. I was making this event all about me. Wow, when I came to that conclusion I no longer felt disgusted by others; I felt disgusted with myself.
I had lost my vision and let my ego take over. When I recognized this, I adjusted my attitude and immediately started putting my energy into the people and places supporting our cause. The very next day we were getting banners/signs made, a dear friend was creating a logo and graphics, local businesses were donating gifts for raffles and all of my instructors volunteered to help and teach the event. Wow, the seemingly impossible certainly is possible. But, we must believe that we can make a difference or we will live inside our heads and nothing will ever happen.
Our small studio community came together on November 11th and raised over $6600! That is truly incredible and awe-inspiring. Every time I think about the event and the outpouring of support, I start to tear up. I think of my grandma who passed away from cancer, my aunt who is currently battling, my other aunt who won her battle years ago, my brother's childhood friend who died at 21, my dear friend's father who passed two years ago and Ashlie's mother who passed away this summer. I thought of their suffering, their courage and the importance of each and every one of their lives. In that moment, I knew that I had to move forward with my vision. I knew that we would make a difference. I knew that our event would matter.
It can be easy to feel helpless in this large world. We don't think that recycling our water bottle makes a difference so we throw it in the trash. We don't feel that our one vote will make a difference in who becomes president so we skip voting that year. We don't feel like physically flowing 108 sun salutations so we ignore the event and go shopping that afternoon instead. I used to think this way. I used to feel that I couldn't make a difference, but no more. Every time a student tells me how yoga has helped them change their life or how they have met great friends at the studio, I know that one person really can make a difference. Of course I recruited an amazing group of supporters throughout the years. I would not be able to teach and run YogaSport without the support of my parents, friends and others in my past who supported me through the first few years. But, without my vision and my effort, it would not exist.
This month, in the month of giving, loving and sharing, I urge you to step outside of yourself and see the endless possibilities. I often think of the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation and how many "pink" items you can purchase in October. One family started the fund, and it has made a tremendous difference in the fight against breast cancer. Anything we can do to help the world become a better place, we should do. We should celebrate our healthy bodies and minds every day. It doesn't have to be something news worthy. Start small. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Vote. Recycle. Use a canvas tote bags at the grocery store instead of plastic bags.
I was recently invited to volunteer at the White Rock Marathon. It's at 7am. I am hardly a morning person. But, I will be there with bells on. I know that currently I can't run 26 miles (or even 3 for that matter), but I plan to celebrate those who have trained in order to do so. Our teacher and mentor Baron Baptiste often quotes Gandhi, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” These are words of wisdom and I try to live by them. We are powerful, we are important and together we can make a huge difference in our lives and in the lives of others.
A few weeks ago, a student and I walked into a sandwich shop after the Inversion Workshop. We were flying high, excited about the practice and happy to be alive. The man behind the counter said, "How are you?" We said, "Great, we just had an amazing yoga practice." The man replied, "Oh yoga, yeah I would like to do that." We said, "You should try it, it's awesome." He said in a petulant tone, "Yeah, I would like to but it takes time and money. I need time and money." I replied, "My friend, you can create time and money. We must create."
I am not sure Mr. Sandwich Shop Man (Mr. SSM) connected with me that day. After I sat and thought about his comment, I realized that his tone of voice was his story. I wondered if he lives inside a world that never provides for him and where he can never do what he wants. I don’t mean to pick on Mr. SSM because he represents a huge struggle that I have faced throughout my life; my "It's not fair" story. As I realized that Mr. SSM and I might have been living the same lie, I felt an inner freedom of being on the other side of it. For many years, I pouted that life just isn't fair. It started at a very young age. No matter how hard I tried, I would never be as good as my brother at playing the piano. No matter how hard I tried, I would never be the shining star in sports, academics or my job. I was always pretty good at a lot of things but never the best at any one thing. Instead of embracing my well rounded nature and my experiences, I looked at my life and felt that I was never quite good enough. The world would never provide me with a break that would let me shine and finally be incredibly good at something. Like Mr. SSM, I felt like there was never enough time to learn the things I needed to learn, never enough money to accomplish those things and never enough luck to guide me. But just like most things in life, once I recognized my story and realized that I let it drive my attitude and often my decisions, I was offered a choice. I had the power to change it. We are all offered this great opportunity that requires a lot of work and a true dedication to growth. The truth is, life really isn't fair. Sally is pretty. Tom was born into a trust fund. Cody has cancer. Liz lost her child. However, these situations do not need to define us. These stories are not who we are. We can explore the world, try new things and create our own reality. We just have to be willing to step out of our comfort zone and squelch the doubts and fears. If I had stayed in my "Life isn't fair" story, I would probably still be working in a job I hated, on anti-depressants and feeling unhappy at my core. I am more than thankful to everyone in my life who encouraged me to stop living in my story and to travel a different path. For the first time in my life, I can say that I am doing something I love and I know I am helping people. Yoga has taught me that being the best at something really doesn't mean a whole lot and certainly does not create happiness. For me, showing up to a place where people are committed to helping themselves and others on a daily basis is what feeds me. Teaching yoga will never give me that “best of” award or a million dollar paycheck. Funny, I used to think that recognition and money were the keys to success. Now that I have enough money to live a modest life and am able to connect with incredible people every day, I am truly happy at my core and feel more successful than I ever thought possible. I do hope that Mr. SSM someday realizes that if he wants to take yoga, he certainly can. He can find a studio that offers discounted classes, he can trade work for classes or he can give up his 4Bucks habit so that he can afford it. There are always ways to get what we want. Sometimes the path is covered and we cannot even see it but we have to be willing to step out of the lies we tell ourselves and truly believe that anything is possible. If even 5 years ago you told me that when I turned 30 I would be running a successful yoga studio by myself, I would have laughed. This month I ask you to believe in yourself. If Mr. SSM truly wants to practice yoga, he can. If you truly want to lose weight, you can. If you truly want to start a different career, you can. If you truly want to help people, you can. First we must believe that we can make the changes in our lives. Then we have to take those first baby steps towards our new path, even if we aren't sure where we are going quite yet.SUMMER 2007 · RUSHING TO NOWHERE
Last week I was driving home. I was tired and irritable. It seemed like I was always stuck in traffic and I was frustrated as I failed to make it through yet another light. I was on the feeder road to 75 Central behind a very slow truck. I aggressively sped up, changed lanes and passed the truck. I felt a sense of accomplishment and righteousness. HA, you silly truck, why are you going so damn slow?! As I was celebrating my new found freedom, I looked up and saw a yellow light turning red. Ugh. I slammed on the breaks. Then I looked up and watched as the truck gingerly pulled up behind me.
I felt embarrassed. My urgency not only stressed me out but also created a less than safe situation for others on the road. The truck and I ended up in the same place and we were both waiting for the light at the same time. I immediately caught my fault and thought, ' Do I rush to nowhere? Do I miss the journey?' I didn't have to think for very long because I knew the answer.
What an interesting issue. Rushing to nowhere. I started thinking of my endless to do lists. I have Post-It lists on my desk, in my purse, in my car and on my bulletin board in my office. I am constantly running around with a million things in my head, trying to accomplish entirely too many tasks in one day only to find myself exhausted and back where I started at the beginning of the day. I even add things to the list that I have already done just so I can scratch them out and feel like I did something fabulous. What if I concentrated on one task and gave it my full attention? What if I didn't respond to emails while making a flyer while changing the website content? I bet I would be more efficient and feel less overwhelmed. And I might even enjoy a few of my tasks.
But, how does this all relate to my car debacle? It's about attitude. I realized that I view driving as an annoyance and only something I HAVE to do everyday in order to live my life. As a family, we never went on road trips. Our idea of a vacation was flying on a plane and spending time in a nice hotel at a nice resort. Getting to the destination always seemed like a necessary nuisance to me. When I am driving, I am definitely missing the journey. Because I am so fixated on the destination, I miss peaceful alone time, views of the city and the opportunity to practice my sassy chair dancing moves. What a terrible waste of energy and time!
Now, how does my car debacle relate to yoga practice? Yoga opens our eyes to our patterns, our thoughts and our emotions. I used to walk around not knowing what I did, how I really felt and how I affected those around me. I blamed others for my fatigue, my negativity and thought that things happened TO me. Now I can look at how I move through the world, hold myself accountable for my life and learn from my actions and reactions.
Next time you get on your mat, notice your inner dialogue. How do you react to the teacher? How do you react to yourself? When do you get frustrated, sad, excited, anxious? Noticing what's in our heads is what makes our yoga practice powerful. Moving through physical postures is great but not life changing. Moving through life is great but if we stay stuck in our heads we will miss opportunities to relax, enjoy and grow. This month I challenge you to get on your mat and start to notice what really goes on in your head. For those of you already practicing with this mindfulness, take it a step further and look at how you react to people, places and situations off the mat. Our work on the mat translates directly to our everyday. Try it. Get uncomfortable and explore. Awareness is powerful. It may even help you enjoy a ride home in your Honda.
JUNE 2007 · THE FIGHT FOR PHOEBE
About a year ago, I bought a new mobile phone. Previously I had a Treo and text messaging and emailing became an addiction. I was super excited to go back to the simple life. Life would be amazing if I had a phone with no fancy whistles, bells or expectations.
When I went shopping for the phone, I found the shiniest package. There she was- a hot pink, sleek and sassy Razr. Everything about her exterior was exactly what I wanted. Her package said she would be the best fit for my lifestyle. Who am I to doubt the look and feel of this fabulous phone? I excitedly took her home and after much rumination, I named her Phoebe. After spending some time with her, I started to realize that although she still looked shiny and pretty, she didn't work well. I couldn't hear people when they talked and I could barely hear words when I listened to my voice mail. Every time I went on a road trip, I was frustrated because I could not use the time to catch up with friends. I simply could not hear anyone. I am holding on to a PHONE that I cannot use for communication and am attached to her pretty albeit deceptive exterior. How ridiculous.
That was a year ago. I still have Phoebe today.
What I cannot understand is why I didn't just take her back, get a refund and pick a phone that was right for me. Instead, I let her sassy pink exterior mesmerize me into thinking that although she didn't work well, she was still right for me. Picking the phone was not the mistake. Keeping the phone instead of returning it was the mistake. I realize now that I am attached to the idea of the phone and not the phone itself. The phone itself is really pretty crappy. The phone I have in my head is awesome and for some reason, I am refusing to accept reality and hoping it will magically change. Of course you hear the playfulness of this example but it awakened me to a much deeper issue.
I recently did the same thing with a tank top. I somehow convinced myself in the dressing room that the empire waistline was going to look great once I found the right bra. A few weeks later, I tried it on and asked a friend's opinion. She said, "It's such a great top. The style and color look like you but there are much better shirts out there for you. I would return it." I looked at her and said, "You are so right. Why do I keep hoping this shirt will fit me?!" I recently went back to the store, saw the top on display and still felt a bit attached and disappointed. How ridiculous.
I have done it with people as well. I have held onto toxic friendships simply because we had known each other for years and the metaphoric package said we were going to be friends forever. I have done it with people I thought I knew but really didn't. Once I learned more about them as opposed to my perception of them, I refused to see the real person that exists in reality, not my head’s reality. How ridiculous.
Why would I continue to choose disappointment whether it's continuing to try on an ill fitted shirt, trying to connect with someone who is not nice to me or getting mad at a phone because it doesn’t work?! My current work is just that, finding the "why?" in all of this ridiculousness. I am attempting to delve deeper into this new realization and find its root. I will have to spend more time on it to really understand my actions and my expectations. This issue has brought me back to my mat. After a long hiatus of healing my physical body and taking a break from my practice, this new challenge has reminded me why I started my yoga practice. I have already begun to uncover some of the top layers. Although it will be uncomfortable and difficult, I know that after enough time on my mat and in my meditations, I will reveal my truth.
This month I challenge you to find your Phoebe. As Cameron always says in Budokon, the way we do anything is the way we do everything. So if you think that your silly tendencies of buying the wrong clothing or toys is not evidence of a larger issue, think again. It's fun to laugh about being attached to a bad cell phone or bumping into coffee tables {see Awareness} but it's life changing to stop, think about it and ultimately figure out why we do it. Figuring out the "why?" is the real work. It allows us to get unstuck and ultimately take one step closer to being happy at our core.
MAY 2007 · AN UNEXPECTED THANK YOU
It's hard to believe. May 17th marks the one year anniversary of what I used to call D Day. As many of you know, last May my fiance unexpectedly called off our September wedding. For those of you new to our practice or my column, you can read past columns here and get a better idea of my story. When I thought about this month's column I said, 'Well I am over it so what would I write on such a strange anniversary?'
But, after spending some time with my thoughts, I felt it was important to note this anniversary because it truly is a celebration. Last year around this time my therapist said to me, "Next year you will be writing him a thank you note for this, trust me." Ha, how true, how true. Now for many different reasons than I had anticipated, I thank him.
This year has been the toughest yet most important of my life. At first it was just the obvious break up horror. I was sick and tired of feeling like I was in a Lifetime Movie with Meredith Baxter Bernie playing ME. I played a fabulous victim role and for a while, it felt good. Poor me, he sucks, I'm so awesome. Sob Sob. But once the anger started to subside, I was left with all of these pieces to study. These pieces were my life. These pieces were my decisions, my dreams, my feelings, my actions, my reactions... I spent months throwing my infamous pity parties and acting like the victim. But I knew that in order to really heal and be able to let go, I had to figure out MY part in all of it.
What I learned this past year is that I was a completely different person than I had previously thought. It took an event this huge to look at my life and see what was really going on with me. The true healing took place when I was able to see my part in all the craziness. Once I was able to step back and be honest with myself, I was able to ask myself, "Angela, what was your role in all of this?" In almost all situations, there are two sides. While it's easy to surround yourself with people who will always agree with you and tell you you are awesome, I am blessed to have friends who give me tough love and help me see the whole truth. I feel so grateful to be able to reflect on the past and see that even though the situation wasn't ideal, I am not sure that I would change it.
WHAT????? (did she just write that?)
Yeah, I cant believe that I just wrote that for everyone to see, but there you have it. I don't think I have even said that out loud to anyone before.
Each person that has been a part of our past has helped shape who we are today. When I see how far I have come and how much I enjoy my life now, I can't help but attribute so much of that growth to this past year. How could I possibly see all that I needed to see if I had gotten married and lived the life I had planned? I know that I would have learned my lessons eventually so I feel fortunate that I learned some of them sooner rather than later. I feel fortunate that my fairytale wedding was not tainted. I feel excited at the reality that when I do finally meet someone and fall in love, it will be right. Of course some days it's a struggle because I know what I want and I have done the personal work. My not so patient ways scream to me 'I get it, I have learned my lessons, now can I move on to the next stage?!' Then I quickly realize that one of my current lessons is just that, patience. I take a step back and appreciate what I do have. I spend time in this moment being happy that I am having dinner with a dear friend, enjoying silly games with friends at my condo, feeling content on a meditative bike ride around the lake. My life is good. I remember this and I remind myself often because even though I know it in my head, sometimes I need to remind my heart. Oh yes, my life IS good!
This year I have become closer with friends, family and the studio. At this time last year, I was seriously considering closing YogaSport, leaving Dallas and finding another life path. But once I was able to heal my heart and see my life as I do now, I realized that I couldn’t leave this amazing community. I decided to keep the studio and re-sign the YogaSport lease! May 15th is YogaSport's 3 year birthday. Along with my reflection of this past year, I have chills running up and down my spine as I write this column and think about the past three years of YS. Life is truly amazing when you stop and reflect. :)
For this month, I ask, when have you felt regret towards a situation or person in your past? Is there a way for you to see that maybe, just maybe, that person or situation helped shape the good parts of you too? It's a challenging way to think but 'radical forgiveness' is something I embrace. It's pretty awesome to feel like something that was once such a negative part of your life has helped shaped something so incredibly positive today. So....I send this out to all of you and hope it helps some of you radically forgive. If you can achieve it, let me know. It will set you free.
APRIL 2007 · MAKING THINGS GOOD
After being in many trainings with my mentor, Baron Baptiste, I have often heard this theme. In our Level 1 Teacher Training Bootcamp, we are asked to make a declaration. "I commit to making this process good. I commit to making everyone here good. I commit to making the teachers good. I commit to making myself good." I always said it but I never really understood what he meant, at least not anything beyond a superficial level. Honestly, it sounded elementary.
After a few years of teaching and then attending level 2 with Baron, somewhere along the way, it really clicked. The statements I read and committed to ceased being infantile and started holding a new meaning. One day I had a tough situation with a student. Instead of getting flustered and frustrated like I used to, I stopped to meditate and really think it through. I found myself saying, "I need to find a way to make this student good so that I can teach to them with as much love, care and respect as I do to others." When I heard my internal dialogue, I had to take a step back. I finally got it. Ah, Baron, it completely makes sense now!!
Making things good is about our attitude. It's about choosing a positive thought, a positive way or a positive solution to our challenges, even when we don't want to. As the days continued in our bootcamp trainings, it was easy to think negatively. Mosquitoes were biting through the netting on our beds, there was no chocolate to be found, we had 4 hour yoga practices and we had to wake up at the crack of dawn for an hour silent meditation each morning. We could easily spiral into a negative web of thoughts and dialogue with our peers. But instead, we had committed to making everything and everyone good so we had to choose a different path.
One day last summer, I was at Jamba Juice and a man buying a smoothie answered the Jamba Guy, "I am doing GREAAAAAAAAAAAAT!." I said, "Wow, you are doing pretty well today, that's incredible. I am glad things are going well for you." (with an eye roll hidden under my sunglasses) He looked at me and said, "Well, it's not that things are going that well. Being happy is a choice you make every day, isn't it?" At the time I thought, 'Yeah whatever, you have no idea what I have been through you jerk.' Now I look back at that man and realize that he was absolutely right. When we are living in our misery and throwing our fabulous pity parties, we despise people like the Jamba Juice Man. Sometimes we even compete for our misery. 'Oh yeah, your boyfriend dumped you and you have the flu?! Well that's nothing, I just got fired from my job and my dog died. SO THERE!' It's a funny thing to compete for misery, isn't it? But it happens pretty frequently.
I was so excited about this revelation that I made a "good commitment statement" for my new year's resolution. One of my biggest challenges has been to make Dallas good. Having lived in Chicago, Boston, San Antonio and Austin, I never thought Dallas was as cool as the other cities. I had trouble finding my niche when I moved here six years ago and I never really gave the city a fighting chance against my almighty negativity. My attitude towards Dallas created a huge conflict within me. I wanted my business to succeed but I hated the city it was in. After going through the 40 days program and having a lot of time to meditate, I started to realize that I had to make Dallas good in order to make the studio successful long term. Otherwise, I was self sabotaging either my personal happiness or my business happiness. Ever since, I have been on a great new adventure developing friendships, finding new places and events and finding new hobbies I enjoy. It's only been a few months and Dallas is starting to slowly grow on me. I finally planted personal and social roots here and have enjoyed my time here more than ever.
The power of our attitude is monumental. We can choose to take what we are dealt and decide to do good things with it and grow, or we can complain, live in misery and get one step closer to dying. We are either growing or we are dying. Life is never stagnant. What do you need to make good in your life? This month I urge you to find your Dallas and start working on shifting your vision towards it. If we can change our experiences and our lives with the power of our thoughts, I say it should be on the top of our list of things to do. So put down that remote control and stop wondering why Sanjaya keeps returning! :) Some things we just can't explain. Let's start the process of changing the way we think and the way we live. Try spending just 10-20 minutes each day with your thoughts by journaling, meditating, writing, etc. It will help clarify your thoughts and attitudes. As we know from our practice, awareness is the first step to change. See you on the mat!
Thank you all for your kind words about this column. I love to write and this has been a wonderful place for me to heal, grow and share my experiences. If we are awake and present to each moment, there are so many places we can learn and grow.
My brother, Tony, is a music composer and conductor. He has been in Dallas working as the assistant conductor for the Dallas Opera 06-07 season. He is only 31 and will be the lead conductor on one of the operas next year. When I heard the news, chills went up and down my spine. Wow, I thought, what an accomplishment. Believe it or not, this column isn't about how cool my brother is, although on his good days, he can be a pretty cool guy. But seriously, I started to think about how much he and I love what we do. And I mean, we LOVE what we do. We both live incredibly passionate lives and truly believe in our work. But, neither of our jobs are expected or common.
I started to think about how we got to where we are and I realized that although we have talents and work hard, we both have parents that have encouraged us to follow our dreams. Since we were little kids, our parents always supported us in anything we wanted to do. And I mean anything. When Tony decided that he was going to dig a tunnel from our backyard to his best friend's house (a mile down the road), my parents gave him a shovel and my dad even went in the trenches and helped him dig up the backyard. We talked about that story recently and I said "Mom, Dad, what were you thinking letting him do that?" They said, "It was so funny and we had so much fun seeing him try. He was out there working on that project for weeks and he did get much further than we ever thought." We laugh now but that story says so much to me about our encouragement to dream and act big.
I realize that many of us don’t have people supporting us, but my point is that no matter what is going on in our lives, we should always keep dreaming. Our power and passion to dream should never be squelched. Whether it's your mind or your boss telling you that something is too hard, you aren't good enough or it just won't work, don't listen. When I was planning to open YS, a friend and mentor strongly discouraged me. She said, "I know you are a great instructor and a smart business woman but studios are not successful and everyone is jumping on the bandwagon. It's just not a good idea." I recently got an email from her saying how impressed she was with the studio and where it's at today.
If you listen to the voices (in you head or coming from others) that say you can't possibly do that, IGNORE THEM. Surround yourself with people who pursue their passions and support you in doing the same. It doesn't have to be changing your entire career. Start small. What drives you? What excites you? What do you wish you could do? Research. Take classes. Find clubs in town that support your interests. Go to a workshop. Seek out what you love and you never know where it will take you. I remember when I was working at an advertising agency feeling miserable and depressed. After work I taught fitness classes to do something that I enjoyed. I started taking yoga at the gym but my first reaction to teaching it was, 'I could never teach that. I can only teach step, weight training and spin. Yoga is way too much for me.' But then I thought twice and said 'why not?' I signed up for a yoga teacher training a few weeks later. I found something completely unexpected that I am not only good at but that I really love to do.
Allow yourself to dream. Think bigger than you ever have. Notice what feeds you; what energizes you. Life is too short not to follow our passions. When we follow our hearts and do what we love, everyone benefits. We are healthier, happier and better people all around.
JANUARY 2007 · THE HONEYMOON IS OVER
As I sit to type, so many thoughts and feelings come over me. It's a new year, a fresh start. We turn the page of the calendar and suddenly everything will shift to a better place. I hear of someone's excitement of the New Year, the resolutions, the hope of the future. I hear another's dismal approach, the Grinch of the New Year's resolution who says they never work, no one sticks to them, it's stupid to change your life because the calendar now says 2007. Grumble grumble grumble.
So where am I on this spectrum? I ask myself and contemplate. What will this year be like? It must be better than last, I think. That's a fantastic thing. My mood changes to one of hope and excitement. It's nice to have a fresh perspective, an invigorating feeling, a renewed sense of being. However, all of that excitement and hope often fades and fades fast once our regular life takes over and we settle back into familiar patterns. Pretty soon it's March and we didn't keep the office clean like we swore we would, we didn't get back into our yoga practice or we didn't spend one hour each day on ourselves. Whatever it is, it often gets pushed out of the way and back into the place where we will find it next year. But we can make it different this time. We really can.
I love teaching in December. The classes are very small, but the truly dedicated students remain. These are the students who come in almost daily, no matter what is occurring in their lives. Whether they are on cloud nine or hell on earth, they are on their mats sweating, breathing, feeling, working, trying... It's not a choice, it's a must and it's part of who they are as people. As a teacher, it's a joy to see the dedication and commitment of these students each and every year. So I started to think about it. What makes these students different? Why are they so committed to their practice?
The answer is no secret and nothing fancy. Discipline. Yes, it's true, discipline. When they have a horrible day at work, they are still on their mats. When a loved one gets sick, they are still on their mats. When they have a crazy night out and didn't get enough sleep, they are still on their mats. When the honeymoon with their practice is over and the mental challenge really sets in, they are still on their mats.
Yoga is a process. In the beginning, we feel a buzz and walk out of each practice on a "yoga high." We sleep better, eat better; we just feel better. We are nicer people, our loved ones encourage us to practice and we can't imagine how we lived before we found yoga! But, at some point, familiar poses seem boring, we crave a change and we choose going out to dinner instead of getting on our mats.
About four years ago, I was teaching a cycling class at the gym. One night the class was empty and I could not figure out why. "American Idol's finale is on tonight," a student said. I looked at him and said, "Are you kidding? You really think that is why no one is here?" Wow. But here was a great example of the true meaning of discipline. Is watching the show more fun than peddling profusely on a stationery bike for an hour? Probably. But, that is how our honeymoon ends. We start to find other things that will be more enjoyable. We start to make excuses in our heads. My stomach is feeling a bit achy, I might throw up if I go. We start to blame the practice. I am getting bored, Warrior 2 could put me to sleep. We start to convince ourselves that we no longer need it. “I am feeling much less depressed since I started, so I can take a couple of nights off.” “I don't need to go tonight because I feel great.” Insert your best excuse here....
We all do it. We are all guilty of committing to a life improvement and not following through. But how do I become the person that is on her mat December 23rd when there are three holiday parties to attend, cookies to bake, presents to buy and exhaustion all around? We just DO it. It really is that simple (and yet that difficult). When the honeymoon is over, when it gets uncomfortable and challenging, when there are other things in the way, we do it anyway. It's a part of us.
My mom always says that you would never leave the house without brushing your teeth. If you did forget, you would stop at Walgreens, buy a toothbrush and toothpaste and find a sink. It's not an option. While I don't recommend doing Down Dog at your local drugstore, you can hopefully see my point. We make sure we do it because it's a priority. I say our daily yoga practice is not an option either. With the rapid increase of heart disease, diabetes, cancer, ulcers, etc, we cannot afford NOT to commit our bodies and minds to health. Yoga is the internal cleanse for our bodies and our spirits. We simply cannot afford not to commit this year.
I invite you to join us for our first ever 40 Days to Personal Revolution Program. We are the only studio in Dallas offering a program like this. It will give you the structure, the tools and the support you need to lay a solid foundation for your commitment. Practicing regularly is the first part of a life change. Eating well and training your mind to relax and cope with daily stress is the next level. This program combines all three so that we can experience the complete package. Our revolution.
The best part is that once we have committed and worked through the most difficult times, our honeymoon returns. The pina coladas taste better, oh I mean the Warriors feel better, and we walk off our mats on cloud nine once again. Welcome to 2007. Make it your year.
P.S. And if you just can't miss American Idol, get Tivo.
NOVEMBER 2006 · FUMBLING TOWARDS ECSTASY
As I was driving to San Antonio to Trinity University for a mini college reunion, I started to think about this month's column. What was I going to write? What words of wisdom did I have as I struggled through this time of change?
Being at my alma mater was very bitter sweet. It was amazing to see how much our small campus changed in such a short, ahem, time. In some ways, it felt like yesterday when deciding on my major was going to define the rest of my life. In other ways, I felt so very far removed from the life current students were leading. As we headed down the corridors of my freshman year dorm, memories came flooding back and a chill went down my spine. What a strange feeling to walk down a familiar path with a much evolved perspective on life.
As I began my five hour drive back to my life in Dallas, I played one of my favorite CD's from my college years, Fumbling Towards Ecstasy by Sarah McLachlan. Tears came down my eyes as I recounted the past 11 years of my life since that first day I stepped on campus as a scared college freshman. As my memory took me through the ups and the downs of the decade, I noticed that each time I approached a new challenge, voluntarily or not, I always felt like I was struggling. Change is a funny thing. We know we need it to grow and some of us even crave it. However, it's terrifying and often not very easy.
Fumbling Towards Ecstasy.
The words of the song started to resonate with me in a completely different way than ever before. Even though I am sure Sarah was singing about something completely different, I was understanding her feeling of fumbling towards something wonderful. It's often in our nature to think that if we are going down a path to something great, the path itself will be wonderful. Ha I say to that! The path is often rocky as hell, uncomfortable and even painful at times. Often, we don't even know we are going towards something wonderful until we are there.
I continued to think about my journey and all the changes I have gone through over the years. Moving to Texas for college (from Yankeeville), graduating from Trinity with honors, the ups and downs of my relationships, starting and continuing my yoga practice/training, opening YogaSport... The journey has been challenging and to be honest, treacherous at times. People often say, "Wow, you have an amazing life. I would love to own my own business and do what I love." I laugh and think yes, I feel lucky to be born into an amazing family. I feel lucky to have opportunities to do what I love. However, I have fumbled, and will continue to fumble down my path. Each and every day is a new challenge. And as we walk through our days, knowing that we are all going through our own struggles and doing what we can is the only thing we can ask.
Next time you covet someone else's experiences, possessions or life, look at what you do have. See the challenges you have overcome and know that those battle scars have created the person you are today. If life were so easy and so light, how strong would we really be? How much would things really mean?
The more we fumble, the more we learn and in the end, the sweeter the ecstasy.
OCTOBER 2006 · GREAT EXPECTATIONS
I have found myself to be particularly irritable lately. Between happenings in my personal life, running the studio solo and still trying to figure out my new life, I often find myself exhausted and just plain crabby. Not exactly where I thought I would be a few months back. So I began to meditate and journal in a quest to figure out exactly what was really bothering me and what I could do differently.
One example, I was headed to the grocery store, a place I really do not enjoy going to by myself. I made a call, "Would you like me to pick you up anything, I am going to Tom Thumb?" In response I hear, "Yeah, that would be great, I need..." and I proceeded to hear a few items that I was now responsible for buying. My tone became irritated as I frantically searched for a pen and wrote down the items. I hung up the phone and thought, 'what the hell, I can't believe I have to get these items?' As I pouted around the grocery store in search for basil and some obscure vegetable, I became even more angry.
Now I am sure you are thinking, wow that makes no sense, why would you be angry if you asked? Ha, well that is an interesting question and I had to sit myself down and be honest with myself. I realized that when I made that phone call, I had an expectation of the answer. I fully expected to hear "oh no that's ok, I need a bunch of stuff so I will go after work but thank you for the offer!" Not only did I ask a question with an expectation already in place, I wasn't sincere with my offer. Wow, what would possess me to act this way?
At some point in our lives, we all create expectations. We have expectations for ourselves, our jobs, our loved ones and our lives. It's something we teach in yoga, drop what you know, let go of your expectations. Again it's easy to say but so difficult to do.
My grocery store story was a small glimpse into a much bigger issue. As I step into the new chapters of my life, I find myself creating even more expectations. It seems counterintuitive since everything I had expected to happen didn't so I thought I would naturally stop expecting things to happen and just go with the flow. However, I realized that expecting things is something that is ingrained in me. It's a bad habit, like biting your nails or interrupting people when they talk.
So for this month, I encourage you to look at your life and see when you create expectations. Do you have expectations for your job, your kids, your spouse, yourself? If they aren't met, how do you feel? Do you blame someone? Take note of how it affects you.
For me, it's a work in progress and probably will be for life. But knowing and understanding my craziness helps my moods and my energy level and in turn helps the people that care for me. ;) As humans, we can only do so much each day. This month I urge you to take some time to study yourself and your expectations.
SEPTEMBER 2006 · NEW BEGINNINGS
As most of you know, I went through a challenging summer and was supposed to get married last week. I have shared many of my ups and downs with you through my healing process. This month I write about the final moments of living in my past life and moving on to new beginnings.
While I reflect back on a very difficult and painful summer, I am amazed that it's over. Transferring bill after bill into my name, cleaning out two storage units we shared, repainting my entire condo to give it a new feel of my presence and no one else's... And that was just the start. Going through my entire life, separating it all out all the while still wondering, 'what exactly happened?' is the most mind boggling and maddening experience I have ever had. As the days passed moving through life started to seem easier, memories were further removed and wounds were starting to heal.
But September 3rd was still looming about and taunting me and my family. My parents still had several friends that already had plans to attend the wedding traveling to Chicago. I flew off to Cabo San Lucas with my wedding party and best friends. I needed to be far, far away from anything familiar, anything that would tie me to the event. My father wrote me the kindest letter before I left. It was about the sadness of a father not being able to walk his daughter down the aisle this weekend, the disappointment of knowing that it wasn't ever really the right thing, but also the hope and excitement of knowing it will happen for me someday and that when it does, it will feel right.
When I left Cabo, it was a gorgeous, sunny morning. I looked over the beach into the horizon and saw a clear, blue sky. I heard the waves crash, saw the birds fly over the ocean and felt a new sense of calm and peace that I hadn't felt in months. Chills covered my body and I began to cry as I walked off the hotel bridge to my room.
September 3rd has come and gone. Unfortunately, it was not a magic switch. Many people said, "Once you get through that day, you will be fine." If life were only that easy. But it does feel much better to have it behind me. My friend and I love this passage from the book "Journey to the Heart." One day I read it in class and started to cry. It really felt like it was written for me this summer as I am sure it will resonate with some of you. Thank you again for your continued love and support. My process is far from over but the wound is healing every day. As my dear friend said to me, "Welcome to the next chapter of your life."
It's Okay to Not Know by Melody Beattie
Sometimes we don't know what we want, what's next or what we think our lives will look like down the road. That's okay. If the answer is I don't know, then say it. Say it clearly. And be at peace with not knowing.
Sometimes the reasons we don't know is that what's coming is going to be very different from anything we've experienced before. Even if we knew, we couldn't relate to it because it's that new and that different. It's a surprise.
Sometimes the reason we don't know is that it would be too difficult, too confusing for us right now. It would take us out of the present moment, cause us to worry and fuss about how we could control it or what we have to do to make it happen. Knowing would make us afraid. Put us on overload. Take us away from now.
Sometimes our souls know, but it's just not the time for our conscious minds to know yet. Sometimes knowing would take us out of the very experience we need to go through to discover the answer we're looking for. And sometimes the process of learning to trust, the process of going through an experience and coming to trust that will ultimately discover our own truth, is more important than knowing.
The process of moving from what we don't know to what we are to learn is a process that can be trusted. It's how we grow and change. It's okay to not know. It's okay to let ourselves move into knowing. The lesson is trusting that we'll know when it's time.
Six years ago when I walked into my first yoga class, I had no idea how important this first step would be to my life and my process. I knew I was stressed and high strung but wasn't everyone? A few stretches, maybe a little silence and I would be all set... Or so I thought.
That first class was a huge wake up call mentally and emotionally. Physically, I was in great shape, teaching step aerobics and weight training with the best of the workout divas. But, something deep inside me screamed for relief and peace. As I went through the class, I realized how much I didn't know about my body and myself. I was frustrated and annoyed with the teacher. She kept coming over to "fix me" and she kept telling me to relax my face and stop trying so hard. I thought, "Who the hell is she anyway?!" But something kept drawing me back in again and again.
Six years later, I am still studying myself on my mat. Through my own practice and my teacher trainings, I have come to realize that one of my biggest challenges is letting go. We say it all the time in class, "just let go." It's one of those sayings that is easy to say and incredibly challenging to achieve.
As I sat there on the magic carpet in my level 2 teacher training last summer, Baron Baptiste said to me, you are a control freak. In my Budokon training with Cameron he said, you are a control freak. Funny, I am seeing a pattern here. It's something I have known for a while but how do I stop?
After many hours of meditating and practicing, I came to realize why I felt I needed to control every aspect of my life. I felt that if I let go of control, I was being irresponsible. Being irresponsible is a huge pet peeve of mine and something I have never tolerated within others and clearly within myself. This revelation may seem small to many but has truly changed the way I see my life and my actions. Once I realized that I equated being in control with being responsible, I could make a change. I no longer had to hold myself in that emotional and mental cell, I could free myself because I finally realized why I was doing it. The logical side of my brain knows that letting go of some control, asking for help and giving myself some time to relax is not irresponsible. If anything, it's the opposite.
So I urge you to look at one of your biggest challenges and start to define the words you are using. One of my dear mentors Cameron Shayne has taught me to do this. Every time I am having a problem, he has me define every little word I am using. At first it seems trivial and annoying but once the process comes to fruition, it is clear why I do what I do and why I believe what I believe. Once I know this, I can start the process and make true changes.
To all of my mentors and my students who teach me so much every day, I thank you for helping me. I encourage you to work on letting go of something you are holding onto. Maybe you are not willing to forgive someone who has hurt you, maybe you are bitter about a job you have lost or a co-worker who has been promoted in front of you, maybe you have resentment towards a family member. Whatever it is, take a look and see if you can define it, figure out why you are holding on and finally take that last step to freedom.
I was reading a book and about ten pages into it, I realized I had no idea what I had just read. In college I became sick every time I ate dairy products but could not for the life of me figure out why I was always sick. Just recently, I bumped my shin on the coffee table yet again. I have lived in my condo for 3.5 years. The coffee table has not moved. "Damn that coffee table", I thought.
And those are the small things. We all go through our lives feeling aware in some moments and being completely disconnected in others. A former YS student came back in several months ago. He had gained some weight over his time away and asked me if he could lose the weight practicing yoga. I said "Yes, you will, but not necessarily because you are busting your butt physically." Of course that is a part of it, simply moving the body and burning calories will help all of us lose weight. However, if it's just at a superficial level, we can only get so far. Yoga can bring an amazing awareness to your life, if you are open to receiving it. The student came back just 6 weeks later and said, "You were right. Now I pay attention to everything; how I converse with people, what I put in my mouth, what I do in practice, etc. I just know what I am doing and why I am doing it all the time and I think that is why I have been able to drop this weight so quickly." So next time you get on the mat, truly dedicate yourself to doing more than just the physical practice. Asanas can provide a huge insight into how we live our lives and how and where we store our emotions. They help us to reconnect with our center. After my past couple of months, I have an amazing new sense of awareness around my life. I realize that a huge part of me was not aware of what was truly going on. Deep down I knew, my body knew and often my mind knew, but I refused to stay open and aware out of fear and doubt. Sometimes if we refuse to pay attention, the Universe will force us to face the truth. The best part is that we don't have to wait to be shown, we can choose to pay attention, study ourselves and be true about it all.
Take a look around. What do you like about your life, your friends, yourself? Be honest. Then, figure out what you don't like about your life. Write it down. Say it out loud. Talk to friends and family about it. Find people that will hold you accountable and start making the changes. It doesn't have to be huge at first. Next time you get up from the couch, slow down a step, notice the coffee table and gingerly walk by it. It sounds silly but it's the start of an entirely new way of living. Trust me, I speak from experience.
As I sit down to write this month's corner, I do so with a very heavy heart. As most of you know, Steve moved out and called off our September 3rd wedding three weeks ago. Without going into too many personal details, I can tell you I was more than surprised by this decision. In fact, I was the happiest bride to be and ready to make a lifetime commitment to the man I was sure felt the same. During these past few weeks, I have gone through every emotion you can imagine. Anger. Shame. Shock. Sadness. Frustration. Hurt. Loneliness. Confusion. In one instant, my entire summer, wedding, and future were taken from me. As many of you know, Steve was a part of every aspect of my life including the creation and managing of YogaSport. So why am I sharing all of this with you? Because in the present moment; it is what I am going through. I have always been an authentic teacher and promised to share my experiences with my students because I believe that is how we grow. We must learn from each other, talk to each other, communicate with each other because life is confusing when we don't and sometimes we can feel alone in our grief.
Since the announcement, I have received over 100 emails, bouquets of flowers, cards and a lot of hugs from many of you. I cannot tell you how much your support has meant to me. The studio has been an amazing healing space for me. And by continuing to teach to you directly from my heart, I hope my experiences and my pain will help you cope with your own. One of my old personal training clients emailed me today and was worried about depression. In the past, I had been on anti-depressants and had several bouts with depression. Once I got into yoga and really started to study myself, my life, my beliefs and started to really understand who I was as a person, the depression went away. Not looking to something or someone else for happiness was the key to finding my own. So if there is one good thing that has come out of all of this, I have found an amazing strength I have never felt before. Is life horrible right now? Yes. Do I not want to get up out of bed some mornings? Absolutely. Do I feel depressed? Actually, no. I have a new found clarity that I have learned from getting on my mat and going to some of the most difficult mental yoga trainings in my life. And going through that, studying myself and my tendencies and really knowing myself is why I am ok.
So trust me when I tell you that sitting in frog for 5 minutes will teach you more about yourself than any fancy arm balance ever will. I challenge you to go deep inside your body every time you are on the mat. You don't have to look for anything specific, just feel. Feel the intensity that is sometimes pain, feel the sensations of being in an uncomfortable asana and feel the serenity of breaking through that edge where for a moment, you can feel completely at peace in your most difficult pose. If you have only scratched the surface of your practice, you may not know what I am talking about yet. Don't worry, it will come, if you allow yourself to open up. The studio is a safe place to get unstuck, to work through emotions and to get to the root of our being. Many of you have shared similar stories of what you are going through right now. Current YogaSport students are going through divorces, deaths of family and friends, losing jobs and more. We are all human beings with emotions. We are all in this together. Matters of the heart are some of the most difficult to get through. We need lots of time to be with friends, to be alone and to meditate. So next time you are ready to bolt out of class or shut down during savasana, challenge yourself to see what comes up in your head. If we can stay and experience everything that comes our way, as painful as it may be, we can heal and let go.I cannot thank you all enough for supporting myself and YogaSport. I have an amazing sense of peace knowing that I am on the right path to helping others heal with me. So please continue to show up, practice and do what you can each day.